If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket