I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.