This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
what’s more important?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.