I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.