#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them