Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
just gave your address to some spiders
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
HR said no more nunchucks.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Care for your back
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.