surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Hank is one in a melon.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.