once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
me when the borders lift
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself