I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I am, perchance
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot