fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
#winning
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in