me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.