Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.