(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt