What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?