I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
cats when you pet them too long:
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow