*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Noah
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?