A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I need better friends
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.