chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*