There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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Can’t stop laughing
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.