Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.