If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”