Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Duolingo getting serious.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos