I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!