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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week