On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a