I am laughing way too hard at this.
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My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Knock Knock
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”