#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
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All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
two people or more is called a problem
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?