genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer