Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Note to self: always read the final line
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.