My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Just how popey was the pope today?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge