Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob