How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.