I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”