Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.