me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
wtf is an acronym
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.