The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Don’t touch that.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !