Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest