Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
#Caturday
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport