*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.