5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?