They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her