If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This is sending me to another galaxy
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women