Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
plums roundup
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille