My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”