Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Traveler’s camo
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.