If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands