Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Well, this explains it:
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
i think we should see other cousins
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese