Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Love this one 😂🧟
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
you have three unread messages
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?