Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Woke up against my better judgement again
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.