I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
i made a craigslist ad !
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.